I just threw up on my dentist
I queefed so loud it echoed.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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