Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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