Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
