You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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