I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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