I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
