in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
