She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
