I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
