The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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