so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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