can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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