I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
