can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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