it's too hot outside to masturbate.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
