Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
