I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
