don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
