She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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