Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
