There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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