I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
