My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
