I wannas sexs uuuuu
I didn't shave. On purpose
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You may now shotgun with the bride
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
