i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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