when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
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