so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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