Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I AM VODKA MAN
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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