capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
