I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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