i cant cry in cvs. not again.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
