Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
