I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
