idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
