a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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