The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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