While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Someone came in the potted fern
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
