I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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