she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
