If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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