Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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