first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You made out with two different species that night
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
