I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
