I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
