why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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