someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
