you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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