There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
