I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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