I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I don't deserve a penis
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
